am writing, Guest Blogging, Soul Stuff

Anonymous: Black and Queer

Surprise! You thought I forgot about this series, didn’t you?! Do not fear. Anonymous is still going strong until the end of this year! Do you ever wish you could say something out loud on social media? Have you ever felt you couldn’t share what you want without fear of judgment? Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions, drop me an email and I will post it anonymously on this here blog! without further ado, here is today’s anonymous post. Enjoy!

Being queer in a black community and being raised in a very Christian home has been one of the most difficult identities one can have. I discovered my sexuality as early as 11/12 years old when I first saw my ‘crush’ at church. She was an older “butch” (masculine-looking lesbian) woman. I admired her style, her walk, the way she spoke…everything about her, to the extent that I would opt to sit behind her at church, Wishing that she would notice me or greet me, but every time she looked behind her, I would shyly look down. It developed into a feeling I couldn’t explain.

Growing up in a township where one would rarely see a queer person made it hard for me to express who I was because I didn’t know what it was supposed to look like. I felt the pressure of dating a boy because I wanted to ‘hide’ these strange feelings I was having for girls. So yes, I had my first boyfriend when I was 13. I was so afraid of him! Every time I spotted him I would run away because I had no feelings for him. My first kiss was at 16 from the same guy I played hide and seek with. I tried convincing myself that it was the best until that same year I met my first girlfriend. I had never felt so alive! I still had to hide my identity under the banner of having a new ‘BOYfriend’.

All my friends believed I loved boys because my new love was a ‘boy’ who didn’t have a name, picture or a voice. No one knew how ‘he’ looked or sounded. All they knew was that I was in love. She was older than me and I had never felt so loved by someone who is not family. Sadly, I couldn’t meet her in public or call her while I was with people because the truth would come out. I feared what people would say. Feared that I might tell someone and they would tell my mom. I feared my mother so much because she is a Christian and is still skeptical about homosexuals.

When I finally got the courage to tell my sister, she wasn’t really surprised; I think she knew even before I told her because, sisters, am I right?! Telling my mother was still not an option. I would passively act like I liked homosexual couples on TV and my mom would be very clearly against those same couples. I knew I could never tell her the truth.

I started not caring who saw me when I was in grade 12; that was my rebellious stage. I would walk hand in hand with my girlfriend in town. That is when I started hating being queer. The insults, the nasty comments, the ugly stares all made me so uncomfortable. One day I was seen by one of my teachers who called me out of class and told me how disgusting what I was doing was and that it was not natural, it was disgusting and dirty. Despite this, I opened up to some of my friends after 2 years and a few months in my relationship. They accepted me for who I was, and for that, I am grateful. It was difficult sometimes but you have to take the good in with the bad.

I often get asked why gays and lesbians choose to date the same sex… it isn’t about choosing. If I could, I’d choose to be straight. It would be so much easier! I never chose to love women. It wasn’t because I was sexually violated or any other reason. I was born this way. This is who I am…

Thank you for popping in! The Birthday Series continues tomorrow so get ready! Have an awesome weekend😘

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