There’s an elephant in the room…
There’s an elephant in the room…
I got it all this morning.
I think back to when I was a teenager. My mom and I would talk about what kind of adult I would be: where I would live, how many kids I’d have etc. I imagine that poor woman laughed at all my musings because she knew, as all adults know, how complicated adult life can actually get. I’ve been thinking lately about adjusting and how life turned out completely differently to how I expected. Here are 3 adulting pet peeves I’ve picked up along the way.
My biggest accomplishments over weekends usually involve some kind of adult errand that I couldn’t get to during the week! Of course, I do some adult fun stuff too but the fun: responsibility ratio is definitely 2:4. This past midterm break was the first break that I felt like I didn’t actually spend resting because of the errands I had to run ( to be fair, I had postponed the one for a year). I can’t remember the last time I woke up on a Saturday or holiday and had nowhere to be and nothing that had to be done that day. Adulting comes with so many expectations and people you “should not” disappoint. Speaking of things that should be:
The Suppose To Bes
I think adults all live vicariously through each other, mostly because of what they hoped to and didn’t get to accomplish. Adults look at your life and tell you you should be travelling more, buying property or making babies. In my 20s, it was OK that I was childless and unattached but now, in my 30s, adults who walk ahead of me in adulthood scratch their heads and say, “yeah, it’s time now”.
I think it’s all projections of where they are or where they wish they were. I have family members who had kids “late” and worry that I will struggle to raise my future kids if I wait any longer. My friend jokingly told me that a plus one would be assigned to me if I did not bring one to his wedding at the end of March. I get it and I do it too: I edit people’s lives as a way of rectifying or reliving my own life. Sometimes I see the potential mistakes those that walk behind me are making and I try to lead in the right direction, but the truth is, nobody actually asked me for advice and I don’t know that they may actually be making better decisions than I ever made at their age. It’s also a lot of pressure for the person in the shoes, because you understand the good things about your life and you also understand the yearnings for that which you don’t have yet. Most importantly, you can work through your feelings about it all the older you get. While advice is needed sometimes, it’s also ok to understand that one’s life doesn’t need to look like any of the should bes in order to be a good life.
Sometimes I wish someone would step into my life and actually make the decisions I am too afraid to make. I wish they would make all the difficult decisions for me so I dont have to deal with the stress of it all. Adult decisions are scary. What if you make the wrong financial decision and end up in debt? What if you play it safe and take no risks resulting in a life void of adventure? What if you go on that adventure and something bad happens?! I’m hyperventilating at all the possibilities!
Don’t panic, though! Adulting can be a bit of a balancing act, that’s for sure, but it can be a lot of fun too. I’ve learned that it’s ok to let go sometimes and have a little fun. I’ve learned that some things are for you, are still coming for you or will not come, and that’s OK. Sometimes it’s ok to take the day off for yourself and pick it all back up the next day. It’s really not the end of the world. In the adult world, you have to take the good in with the bad. Things have a strange way of working themselves out for your good in the end.
So clearly I don’t have any answers for you. There is no epiphany about how to make a good life to yourself. Sift through the advice, take in what you want and throw out the rest and you may just survive the world of adults more or less in one piece.
A few weeks ago, Grey’s Anatomy announced that Justin Chambers ( Alex Karev) is leaving the show after 15 years. Following this announcement, and after some personal time of mourning, I was interested to see how he was going to be written out of the show. I was expecting a dramatic and sudden death like they did with George, Lexi and Dereck. Or maybe Alex and Jo would decide to make a fresh start somewhere else, but all of these scenarios have already been [over?] done. Considering all of these possible exits, this one did not occur to me: Alex ghosts us! The truth came out 10 days ago so this doesn’t count as a spoiler, OK?!
Bare with me, I am deeply invested in this show. I’ve seen 90% of all the episodes and this is the 16th season! I watch reruns while I wait for the next season. Some old episodes still make me ugly cry and, don’t judge me, but I may argue with medical facts based on cases I’ve seen on the show! I know it’s all fictional, but many of the previous episodes have triggered me and Alex ghosting Jo was no different.
For those who have been fortunate enough not to experience this, ghosting someone is when you pull a disappearing act on them without any kind of explanation. It’s usually a potential lover, current lover or a current spouse, although friends are known to pull this stunt too. You don’t return texts or calls and your loved one has no idea where you have gone or why. Ghosting has become a norm in our society, especially with the birth of social media. As easily and quickly as we can get in touch with someone no matter the distance, we can just as easily and quickly cut them out of our lives. I don’t know about you, but I find ghosting problematic. Here are 3 of my gripes with this inconsiderate behaviour:
The Unanswered Questions
The lack of clarity is the worst part about ghosting. Whether you are an over thinker like me, or you shrug things off and move on quickly, I’m sure you still wonder. Did you say something wrong? Did you do something wrong? OK, maybe the ghosting wasn’t about you, but what if it actually was about you? What if it happened because you were not good enough? Is this person OK? Were they mugged? Are they dead in the streets? WHAT HAPPENED?! The questions and doubts swim around in your head for an indefinite amount of time until one day, you realise you haven’t been agonising over their disappearance as much anymore. I often wonder why people dont just say they’re out and leave it at that. You’ll still agonise but at least you won’t check your phone or try to reach them. People are strange.
Would you get up and leave the room while someone is talking to you? Would you just keep staring at the person as they go on and on about their thoughts, half acknowledging what they are saying but never responding? Or would you simply put your hand over their mouth to make them stop talking? I bet you’ve never done this to anyone in person, so why do it in virtual reality? Justify it however you like, but ghosting is cruel. It’s mean. It’s dismissive of a person’s relevance,their feelings and their sense of worth.
The Door Left Ajar
Every time someone knocks at her door, Jo runs to answer, hoping it’s Alex – it’s not- and she feels the pain all over again! Has it just been my experience or do ghosters magically reappear one day like nothing happened?! They’ll just say hey, they’ll chat like nothing happened and if you don’t ask, they’ll never answer those questions you had swimming in your head that entire time they were gone and, if everything goes according to their plan, things will go back to normal. I think that’s the whole point of ghosting. It’s like leaving the house with the door ajar because you’re not really leaving the property and you have every intention of coming back. It’s CRAP!! NONSENSE!! POPPYCOCK!! I think it’s unfair to leave people without a word and coming back like you never left. It’s unfair to think they’ve just been sitting around waiting for you to be ready to pick things back up. Stop it.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s clear yet what happened to Alex. But Jo is broken. I don’t think Alex would just disappear like that after so many years of friendship with Grey and after all the things he went through with Jo. It really doesn’t seem like something he would do so, we wait in bated breath for the answers that will give the audience and Jo the closure they need. I’m holding thumbs!
Thank you so much for popping in! It’s always good to have you here! Have an awesome week😘
I was depressed a few years ago. I couldn’t eat. My stomach would grumble in agonising hunger pain and I would cook something good. 3 bites in and I would be done. My stomach would shrink and my body soon followed suite. I went from a size 14 to a size 8! My doctor friend, who was too far away to help at the time, sent me to another doctor friend and here are some of the tips he gave me to try manage my situation before resorting to medication.
I couldn’t eat because I was always ate on my own. All my attention was on the food in front of me and I was fully aware of the pressure I was under to eat. I didn’t like being that thin and I didn’t like living my life in constant hunger. So my friend suggested that I surround myself with people during meals. A distraction of good conversation and laughs during the meal; an eleviation of the pressure that wore me down.
Exercise is said to be good medicine for depression and even insomnia. I’ve always enjoyed being physically active. And those endorphins that are released after a good work out are so real. I drive home after gym feeling cheerful for no real reason!
Focus on the good
For all that there is to complain about, there is often just as much to be grateful for. Despite my situation at the time, I loved my job. I had good friends, a mother that is proud of me and a life I, for the most part, enjoyed. There was plenty to be grateful for every day, no matter how small. Everything was not lost.
Be gentle with yourself.
It’s ok to give up sometimes. It’s ok to abandon the daily demands of adult life, to veg out on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, an endless stream of episodes and nowhere to go. You’re allowed to skip gym, eat all the unhealthy stuff sometimes. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself just a little bit. It’s the ebb and flow of life, a wave that you have to go through to get past. Your feelings are real and they are important. Allow yourself those moments, but you must get back up the next day. Do not wollow.
I say this countless times and most days, It’s pretty easy to do. It took a fresh meaning this morning, though because I realised I had fallen into that rabbit hole and have been in it for the past few weeks. You will always fall short if you compare your life to others. Your car won’t be new enough, your house not well furnished enough and your marital status not favourable enough. Stop!
I don’t think it’s about overcoming or trying to “get over” depression. I think what is more important is to find healthy coping mechanisms for depression, even if you are also on medication. It’s about being honest with yourself and to yourself. It develops grit and strength; therein lies the overcoming and seeing better days ahead.
I know I’ve merely scraped the surface of this mental illness and I also know that depression menafests in different ways. If this helps even one person today then, it has fulfilled it’s purpose.
Take courage, dear heart. All is not lost.
It’s nice to have family nearby.
This is the new yellow dress.