Lifestyle, Love & War, Soul Stuff

4 Signs of Emotional Abuse

Hey everyone!

Sunday found me mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, because what is really weighing on my heart seemed too intimate to share.

I started the Anonymous series for this very reason. I find that I keep many things to myself because I’m worried about what people I know will think of me if I shared certain aspects of my life experiences. People would be surprised and shocked and would probably respect me less if I shared some things about myself. And so it occurred to me that I may not be the only one who wants to shout from the rooftops while remaining completely unknown.

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I am a child of divorce. My mother left my father at 30 years old with 2 young boys and a 1 year old little girl: me. When my mom talks about that now, her reasons for leaving were purely for peace of mind and safety. My father was a physically abusive man, and after over a decade of living in that kind of fear, she left. I grew up grateful for her decision because I was spared seeing that violence and such an abusive display of what was supposed to be a loving relationship. But I have also grown up in fear of ending up in such a relationship myself. When my mother speaks about my father, she speaks not only about the abuse but also the good husband and father he was sometimes, so I learned very quickly that my father, while abusive, was not a completely bad man; there was good in him too.

I don’t think women always marry men who are abusive from the get go. Sometimes they start out being very good men who treat them well and one day, a slap across the face spirals into much worse. This was my fear: that I would not see it coming and I would find myself stuck in a situation that I would not be able to get myself out of.

Fortunately for me, I have never been with a man that has ever been physically violent. but not so long ago, I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship which is, from conversations with many women who have been physically abused, exactly the same thing. Today, I will share some of the indicators I picked up from that experience.

It’s the little things

A phrase we have heard many times about showing someone that you care about them. There were little red flags in my case. In the same way that physical abuse starts with a slap, emotional abuse starts with an insult or a small comment intended to bring you down. I think back on so many insults that were hurled my way in an argument that often had nothing to do with what the fight was even about. I remember telling him after the dust had settled on our very first argument that it was not OK to speak to someone you cared about the way he spoke to me, even during a disagreement. I remember an apology and a disbelief on his part for the things he said. But it continued that way for a few months in our arguments. I also remember the comments. These are said with more tact: almost like a tip about how to be better – for him. These comments clearly indicated that I was not doing that one thing well enough to please him. They poked at my self esteem and my need to be affirmed that I am good enough and made it very clear that I wasn’t. And they were everywhere, like little paper cut flaws in all aspects of our relationship. Both of these eventually accumulated to much bigger insults and flaws about me and sometimes even merged into one. If I was a weaker person, I would have believed everything he said and I would have worked my tail off to be more worthy of him to no avail.

Grand Gestures

These land from the clear blue sky, after weeks of fighting and being broken down, just when you, no matter how strong you think you are, start believing that all these things he says to you are true. He would pour out his heart to you; the very thing you’ve been wanting him to do for the longest time. He will tell you how much he appreciates you and all that you have done for him. He will promise that he will do better by you in the future. There will be hugs and kisses, violins will play in the background, just like the chick flicks when they reunite at the end and your hope in him will be restored! But then a week later, it will be back to square one, back to the comments, unanswered calls and messages and even a disappearing act and coming back with no explanation or even that you are not owed an explanation. Your life essentially swings back and forth. You dread the little things and suffer through them while hoping for the grand gestures that will make this roller coaster worth the pain.

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It’s Your fault

I’ve heard physically abused women say that eventually, they get so tired of being hit that they start hitting back. Of course, he hits harder but at least you get some shots in in the process. I got angry over time too. I was outraged that this man thought so little of me and that even now as I am typing, I can think of only a handful of times that he was actually nice to me. The more he dragged me down the more frustrated and angry I got even though it was mixed with the hurt of believing him and eventually, I learned to give as good as I got. After weeks of being cold yet demanding; after tactics and spun stories about people who have done more for him in order to make me feel obliged to do more, I would throw insults back at him and tell him his flaws that were so much bigger than mine and then, it would be my fault for lashing out. I would then be the one making amends in the end. He would then have full rights to bringing me down because I would have started it!

Control

He controlled everything: we saw each other on his terms, we drove his way to a mall I visit on my own on a regular basis from the same area, we ate what he liked, drank what he liked, watched what he liked and he left when he liked. I did all the giving: we discussed in detail what he wanted for his birthday and I was not to surprise him. My birthday, on the other hand passed without a word ( our birthdays are 2 weeks apart). I did all the prescribed giving while he showed up empty handed and expectant for more because what I gave was never enough. I was under his thumb.

The End

I knew a long time ago that this was not the life I wanted for myself, but I chose to believe and hope in the best of him. Eventually, though, I saw that very little would change in the future and I would be stuck in this cycle with him and it may even escalate to physical abuse. I also hated the person I was becoming: defensive and unengaging and beginning to see my flaws getting bigger and bigger. And so I ran for my life. There are days when the deepest darkest rejected parts of me think that amends can be made and things can be fixed, but I know the reality. My father remarried after my mother left and the physical abuse continue in his new home. And I know that it is very unlikely that anything will change if I go back to this…

Phew, that was really hard to share with you and I am anxious about anyone I know reading any of this, but I do believe that someone may read this and be in the same situation and not know it. This is for you: You are enough and you are strong and a life alone is better than a life of anguish! Protect yourself always, dear readers!

Thank you for visiting today. I hope this was helpful. I’ll see you on Sunday!

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am writing, Love & War, Ramblings, Soul Stuff

3 Things Rejected People Don’t Want to Hear

Happy Humpday everyone!

If you are a human being, you’ve probably been rejected at some point in your life. And since we all click on the “I am not a robot” button, you know what I am talking about.

Rejection stings, no, it hurts and it’s very difficult to deal with. Though over time, we can look back on our experiences and laugh, during the process of recovery, the situation seems hopeless. The questions are endless and you are certain that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. This is me at the moment: I am in mourning and though I know the truth is I will get over this, it feels pretty bleak at the moment.

Of course, the bad comes with the good. None of us are completely unloved. None of us can say with any certainty that nobody sees any good in us. And so, my dear friends have huddled around me to remind me that I am worthy. I do find certain phrases rather unhelpful though. So here are the 3 things I think rejected people don’t need to hear while in the thick of the mourning

This wasn’t a great idea

This is not the best thing to say to a rejected person. Very few repeatedly rejected people want to hear how stupid what they did was. They don’t want to hear that they should have seen it coming. Believe me, part of the mourning period involves self-blame. We do the best we can to avoid as much damage to ourselves that we can, most of the time anyway. Hearing that you effed up yet again while that is the conversation you are already having with yourself does not help.

You deserve better

“But you’re so amazing!” they say, “who would reject all of this?!” Well, some of us have a track record of rejections, trust me! In most cases, people have a humble, positive opinion about themselves. Thinking that you deserve better eventually leads to the question of why better has perpetually not happened?! Enter, the overthinker and consequent sadness and the black abyss of endless hopelessness. It gets pretty depressing after that.

Maybe you should… In future

Ok, listen. If adulting has taught me anything, it is this: you can do it all right. You can make all the healthy decisions, keep your eyes peeled for all the signs and do everything to prepare and even avoid the storms, but they come anyway and render you shipwrecked anyway! Life can be cynical despite your defenses. That’s the bottom line sometimes.

So there you have it! While we know and acknowledge the well-intended love from those around us, sometimes, all a rejected person wants to hear is, ” Im sorry this happened to you.” Sometimes we just need you to sit with us, maybe cry with us and help is pick ourselves up again.

I know a day will come when, I will wake up in the morning and not feel any weight or the memory of my rejection, until then, it would be great not to hear any of these 3 things.

Thank you all for popping in today. The world is a tough, place. Be kind to one another, please. Have a good week everyone😘

Looking Forward To, Love & War, my adventures, Ramblings, Soul Stuff

Young At Heart

Hey Erbody!

I hope it has been a good weekend for you! I’ve been swamped with work lately which had me believing that I’m barely coping with my work life, but I realized that I just need to take a step back sometimes and realize that I’m competent and coping just fine!

So, after marking 55 scripts of a test, completing 14 of my 28 subject comments, cleaning and doing a bit of shopping, I realized that I could afford to go out and have a little fun yesterday!

It has occurred to me that I have a pattern when I go to social gatherings: I’m always with the kids either playing catch in the pool or jumping on the trampoline until my legs give in. Adulting can be so much that the last thing you want to do is talk about at social gatherings as well! Give me the kids. I don’t mind being focused on perfecting my throw or not jumping too high to get my mind off more serious matters for a little while!

I’ve been told several times that I don’t look as old as I actually am. People have always been shocked that I’m 34. I’m convinced that being around kids all day is keeping me young😊

I’m at the stage in my life where I don’t have kids of my own yet, but all my friends and family do. I’m at the stage where I can play with other people’s children and I can give them back when I’m over it or when they get crabby! I’m often the aunty that’s playing with the little people! I find kids’ idea of fun very simple so I’m always eager to join in!

I don’t hide my age; I don’t see the point. Even if I pretend I’m younger, it really doesn’t change my actual 34 years at all, so I gave up the denialism a long time ago!

I hope you are enjoying the season you are in right now its very important because you’ll miss it when it’s gone!

Thank you so much for popping in today! Have a beautiful week ahead😘

am writing, Guest Blogging, Love & War, Prose, Ramblings, Series, Soul Stuff

Anonymous: An Open Letter

Suprise! Yes, I’m still on a quest for bloggers interested in writing something anonymously on this here blog of mine! If you’re interested, drop me a mail on:

noloyiso.l@gmail.com

Enjoy this month’s post!

Dear life

It is me, a Liver. It has been 20 something odd years on this journey together and the experiences are a ton and a half. I could write a book but words alone are not fully capable of expressing the depth and extent of what I have witnessed in this journey with you.

Through it all, I have learnt to become a survivor. I am not easily discouraged even in the bleakest of situations. I have stared depression, stress and anxiety in the eye but I am still standing. I have had the angel of death visiting a couple of times taking with it my loved ones, but my faith has remained unshakeable. I have lost friends who promised me infinity and beyond but here I am; the curve that accentuates my smile has never diminished. I have had my heart broken several times, but my belief in love has never faded.

Through these ups and downs, I have learnt to be grateful, I have also learnt that I was made to last and that what is in me is bigger than these stumbling blocks. I have learnt to tell my story the best way I know and don’t know how but it is a story of strength. Dear life, as we continue on this journey together, I look forward to all that you will throw my way.

Warmest Regards
Lifer

Well, I’ll see you on Sunday, my friendlies!😘

am writing, Looking Forward To, Love & War, my adventures, Nifty Tricks, Ramblings, Soul Stuff

Move!!

Happy Wednesday, everyone! I’m so sorry I’m later than usual!

The days are flying by and I often feel like I’m barely touching sides, phew! As long as I am progressing and as long as things are getting done, I will never complain!

So I’m finally doing it: tonight is my last night in this matchbox I’ve called home for the last 4 – 5 years! Remember, I told you about this a while ago? Check it out here if you’ve forgotten!

Moving has made me realise how far I’ve come from that bright-eyed bushy tailed 20 something, who moved up to Joburg with a few suitcases and nothing else! Now, I have furniture and framed pictures, reception tables and a metal rubbish bin. I have linen and so many more glasses than the last time I moved! Guys, I have things! Progress and growth is the order of the day!

I had every intention of taking pictures to show everyone, but I’ll save that for another time, I think! I’ve just been focused on moving bit by bit so that tomorrow is not so strenuous! Luckily I have midterm break starting tomorrow so I can unpack and rest and also catch up on work, because wow, there is so much work to do!

Still, I am grateful for days full of things to do that matter to me! I am no longer the man on the bleachers but an active participant in my own life! That’s worth celebrating!

I leave you with this thought:

Thank you so much for waiting up for me! We’ll chat on Sunday ( or maybe sooner?) Have a beautiful week😘