Interests, Lifestyle, my adventures, Soul Stuff

Baby Mama

In Africa and many other cultures, I suppose, we are expected to grow up, get married, pop out a few kids and live happily ever after -or something like that. But if you are a real adult, you know that life is much more complicated than these “simple” steps.

I’m 34 years old and I have no kids yet. I don’t think my ovaries are broken. I’ve just always placed more value in having babies with someone rather than so that I could be a mother. I am yet to find “The One” and this is just how my life has unfolded. I’m not entirely sad about it.

“What?! You don’t have kids? Why not? You should get to it, you’re not getting any younger!”

Today, I want to address the elephant in my room called life: babies. And I actually want to officially face what people have thrown at me about my lack of children over the years.

Don’t you want babies?

In my most honest moments, I have looked myself in the mirror and asked myself the same question. I love kids – hell, I teach kids – don’t I want my own? Well, when I was younger, it wasn’t a matter of wanting them. I actually just always took it for granted that I would have them, period. Now that I’m older and my window is getting smaller, I realize that while I wouldn’t be opposed to having a mini me running around, If I hit menopause and am no longer able to have kids, I’ll be ok with it- I think I may be wrong but for now, that’s where I’m at on the matter. I vaguely remember a time in my late 20s when I was prone to occasional broodiness, but it was never an overwhelming compelling feeling. In a nutshell, I guess I do want kids, but I’ll be cool if I don’t ultimately have them.

You’re supposed to have kids. It’s time now!

This one is for all the people out there who look at women like me expectantly whenever our peers have babies: stop implying that women should have children at any point in their lives! You will come to my baby shower, but you will not be in the delivery room nor will you be up with me at 3am for feedings and changings. You will not be there to help me financially or emotionally when it gets too much. You will be supportive and sometimes help,but it won’t be entirely your responsibility. It requires more than just my body to bring a child into the world and much more than that to raise this little human being in this world!

Yes, these little people are a wonder, and I often wish I could see what someone with my genes would look like and what type of person they would turn out to be. I wonder if I would be a good mother and if I can give this person all the tools they need to make it in their own lives.

Yes, sometimes I have a mild… yearning for a baby of my own. But I want the right circumstances to have that baby. And until those circumstances come into being, it can wait – really! I never want to find myself in a situation I feel I should have avoided or was not ready for. I don’t want to look on at my child and fight back a twinge of regret.

Please share your views! If you don’t have kids yet, what’s your take on the matter? Are you waiting or have you decided not to go there? I would love to hear from you!

Thank you for popping in! It’s always a pleasure to have you here. Have an awesome week! I’m looking forward to another adventurous week ahead! I’ll tell you all about it in due time๐Ÿ˜˜

S

Advertisements
Activities, am writing, Interests, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Series, Soul Stuff

Anonymous: Dream Sellers

Surprise! Due to adulting, I missed last month’s anonymous post! I’m sorry, but I’m making up for it! Enjoy this month’s edition!
20181231_033042_00002566735096206495296.png
Fellow readers, may I take you on a journey? As a little girl, I was constantly warned of dream sellers. At such a tender age, I was very unfamiliar with the term. I didn’t bother to ask further questions because, in my head I had sworn I’d never come across any. As time passed and I grew older, the term began to unravel itself to me. This occurred through a series of events and a number of people. The different people I came across sold all sorts of dreams, sometimes the smallest dream that was sold had the biggest impact.
A dream seller is a person who “sells” a dream of them not being who they really are. They say whatever they can to make others believe they are better off than they really are. They tell people what they want to hear. They sell a dream of being someone else’s view. At some point, we all have a dream seller in us. But you can’t be a full blown dream seller unless your case is extremely bad to the point of leading a double life. The term was coined by Brandon Novak. There’s also a book about his addiction with this title. Now that has been explained, we can move forward.
You see, the thing about dream sellers is that not only do they affect your perspective on life, they instill in you a bundle of false hopes. The intention of a dream seller is meant to manipulate the mind of an independent individual, the benefits arise in the long term. Dream sellers are aware that placing an idea in one’s mind gives power to distract one from their true path.
The intention of today’s post was to awaken those who have been put to sleep by dream sellers. The people who have lost their independence, motivation and sight of their own goals. Dream sellers have one purpose and that is to bring a great individual to a point of self doubt and false expectations, a dream seller is toxic and never tells the truth.
Stop waiting for the world to make you happy or for someone to come into your life and promise you the world. Start taking initiative of your own goals and climbing your own ladder of success. Take your own path & journey to self. Stop depending on dream sellers & start focusing on making your own dreams a reality.

If you have a dream seller story, feel free to share in the comments.

Regards

Thank you so much for popping in! have a beautiful day๐Ÿ˜˜

G-Strings, Interests, Lifestyle, music, Soul Stuff

Train

Happy Wednesday, dear readers!

I’m so happy to see new followers joining us! Just this month, 6 new followers got on board! Welcome, you guys!!

Sometimes music comes along at the right moment with the exact words of encouragement you need to get you through your day and ultimately through your struggle.

Don’t stop this train

Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in. – John Mayer

I love the way John Mayer weaves words together and I especially love how he writes what’s on my mind and what’s in my heart – this man gets me!

I got really frustrated on Monday: I had my playlist ready for my drive to work and technology just wouldn’t work with me! Grrr!

The good news is, my favourite John Mayer CD was waiting to pick up the slack! John reminded me on my drive to work that I’m exactly where I need to be in my life!

So whatever you’re going through right now, don’t stop this train because as far as trains go, and even life itself, it keeps moving, it passes through all the stations of life! It’s only tough for now but better days are coming, I promise!

If you’re curious about this jam, have a listen to Stop This Train and have yourself an awesome day! Thanks for popping in๐Ÿ˜˜

am writing, Interests, Lifestyle, Series, Soul Stuff, Uncategorized

Anonymous: The Strength of a Woman

Hey everyone!

While, my Birthday Series just ended, Anonymous soldiers on until the end of the year! Basically, this series is monthly installments written by people who would like to remain – wait for it- anonymous! I’ve had this one in my drafts just waiting for the right time and I’m so glad that it’s finally here! Enjoy the post!

20181231_033042_00002566735096206495296.png

On Mother’s Day, while spending the day with the woman I call mom and the rest of our family, there was a moment as we gave my mom flowers when I saw her smile. I have seen her smile a lot in my life but on this day, it got me reflecting on a lot of things that have happened to us as a family and to her as a woman.

This reflection was different as a lot of emotions came trickling in. I’ve always had to hide my emotions growing up because men were taught never to get emotional. This is unhealthy and becomes a bad habit that leads to a lot of hurt being kept inside – but that’s a topic for another day.

Back to my story. My mom smiling is nothing new, but this was different because I got to ask myself how she does it. Years ago, my late sister was raped by a very close relative of ours who is still a free man; he never faced justice. This brought up so much pain for me, because when you see your parent cry because her family accuses her daughter, a rape victim, of lying and everyone around you, even her siblings, cover up for this man, calling her daughter a liar, I can’t begin to imagine the pain my sister went through and the pain my mother went through when all of this happened.

Well they moved on somewhat and my sister met a guy a few years later and tried picking up the pieces of her life. She would later have a son from that relationship, but she never got to raise his as she passed away soon after that.

Where did my mother get all that strength to bury her daughter who died without ever finding justice for a crime that befell her?

I am still amazed by my mother’s strength and even as I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I have never talked to anyone about this but you. When trouble comes my way, I always remember to put everything in the hands of God. This is my mom’s source of strength. Countless things have happened in my mother’s life and I have seen her at her lowest but when I saw her smile on Mother’s Day, that was a sure sign to me that God is real.

Lifestyle, Love & War, Soul Stuff

4 Signs of Emotional Abuse

Hey everyone!

Sunday found me mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, because what is really weighing on my heart seemed too intimate to share.

I started the Anonymous series for this very reason. I find that I keep many things to myself because I’m worried about what people I know will think of me if I shared certain aspects of my life experiences. People would be surprised and shocked and would probably respect me less if I shared some things about myself. And so it occurred to me that I may not be the only one who wants to shout from the rooftops while remaining completely unknown.

wp-image-1135511470jpg.jpg

I am a child of divorce. My mother left my father at 30 years old with 2 young boys and a 1 year old little girl: me. When my mom talks about that now, her reasons for leaving were purely for peace of mind and safety. My father was a physically abusive man, and after over a decade of living in that kind of fear, she left. I grew up grateful for her decision because I was spared seeing that violence and such an abusive display of what was supposed to be a loving relationship. But I have also grown up in fear of ending up in such a relationship myself. When my mother speaks about my father, she speaks not only about the abuse but also the good husband and father he was sometimes, so I learned very quickly that my father, while abusive, was not a completely bad man; there was good in him too.

I don’t think women always marry men who are abusive from the get go. Sometimes they start out being very good men who treat them well and one day, a slap across the face spirals into much worse. This was my fear: that I would not see it coming and I would find myself stuck in a situation that I would not be able to get myself out of.

Fortunately for me, I have never been with a man that has ever been physically violent. but not so long ago, I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship which is, from conversations with many women who have been physically abused, exactly the same thing. Today, I will share some of the indicators I picked up from that experience.

It’s the little things

A phrase we have heard many times about showing someone that you care about them. There were little red flags in my case. In the same way that physical abuse starts with a slap, emotional abuse starts with an insult or a small comment intended to bring you down. I think back on so many insults that were hurled my way in an argument that often had nothing to do with what the fight was even about. I remember telling him after the dust had settled on our very first argument that it was not OK to speak to someone you cared about the way he spoke to me, even during a disagreement. I remember an apology and a disbelief on his part for the things he said. But it continued that way for a few months in our arguments. I also remember the comments. These are said with more tact: almost like a tip about how to be better – for him. These comments clearly indicated that I was not doing that one thing well enough to please him. They poked at my self esteem and my need to be affirmed that I am good enough and made it very clear that I wasn’t. And they were everywhere, like little paper cut flaws in all aspects of our relationship. Both of these eventually accumulated to much bigger insults and flaws about me and sometimes even merged into one. If I was a weaker person, I would have believed everything he said and I would have worked my tail off to be more worthy of him to no avail.

Grand Gestures

These land from the clear blue sky, after weeks of fighting and being broken down, just when you, no matter how strong you think you are, start believing that all these things he says to you are true. He would pour out his heart to you; the very thing you’ve been wanting him to do for the longest time. He will tell you how much he appreciates you and all that you have done for him. He will promise that he will do better by you in the future. There will be hugs and kisses, violins will play in the background, just like the chick flicks when they reunite at the end and your hope in him will be restored! But then a week later, it will be back to square one, back to the comments, unanswered calls and messages and even a disappearing act and coming back with no explanation or even that you are not owed an explanation. Your life essentially swings back and forth. You dread the little things and suffer through them while hoping for the grand gestures that will make this roller coaster worth the pain.

wp-1481227623807.jpg

It’s Your fault

I’ve heard physically abused women say that eventually, they get so tired of being hit that they start hitting back. Of course, he hits harder but at least you get some shots in in the process. I got angry over time too. I was outraged that this man thought so little of me and that even now as I am typing, I can think of only a handful of times that he was actually nice to me. The more he dragged me down the more frustrated and angry I got even though it was mixed with the hurt of believing him and eventually, I learned to give as good as I got. After weeks of being cold yet demanding; after tactics and spun stories about people who have done more for him in order to make me feel obliged to do more, I would throw insults back at him and tell him his flaws that were so much bigger than mine and then, it would be my fault for lashing out. I would then be the one making amends in the end. He would then have full rights to bringing me down because I would have started it!

Control

He controlled everything: we saw each other on his terms, we drove his way to a mall I visit on my own on a regular basis from the same area, we ate what he liked, drank what he liked, watched what he liked and he left when he liked. I did all the giving: we discussed in detail what he wanted for his birthday and I was not to surprise him. My birthday, on the other hand passed without a word ( our birthdays are 2 weeks apart). I did all the prescribed giving while he showed up empty handed and expectant for more because what I gave was never enough. I was under his thumb.

The End

I knew a long time ago that this was not the life I wanted for myself, but I chose to believe and hope in the best of him. Eventually, though, I saw that very little would change in the future and I would be stuck in this cycle with him and it may even escalate to physical abuse. I also hated the person I was becoming: defensive and unengaging and beginning to see my flaws getting bigger and bigger. And so I ran for my life. There are days when the deepest darkest rejected parts of me think that amends can be made and things can be fixed, but I know the reality. My father remarried after my mother left and the physical abuse continue in his new home. And I know that it is very unlikely that anything will change if I go back to this…

Phew, that was really hard to share with you and I am anxious about anyone I know reading any of this, but I do believe that someone may read this and be in the same situation and not know it. This is for you: You are enough and you are strong and a life alone is better than a life of anguish! Protect yourself always, dear readers!

Thank you for visiting today. I hope this was helpful. I’ll see you on Sunday!

Activities, am writing, Interests, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Series, Soul Stuff

34 things I Learned in 34 Years – Part 6

Hey everyone! Happy Saturday!

It’s my birthday! It’s finally here! Thank you so much for staying on this 6-week journey with me! It’s been great to be able to share what I’ve learned in my life so far and I look forward to what lies ahead! Here are the last few pearls to end off this amazing series!

Don’t think about it. Jump in and get it done!

I have a tendency of putting off the things I don’t feel like doing. The more I put them off, the bigger and more difficult they seem and the more I put them off! The trick is to start without thinking about it. I’ve been able to get things done much faster this way

It’s going to work out

I’m surprised at the difficulties I’ve survived. In the moment, it feels like I will never come out of the abyss, but I soon find that things work out. At worst, you learn to smile again and at best, you get exactly what you wanted! Either way, it works out for the best!

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Doing the right thing is never easy, and nobody tells you that it seldom feels good either. But it is still the right thing to do and in the long run, you will be better for it.

You’re stronger than you think

Don’t ever underestimate yourself! You are strong and capable. Don’t look at that obstacle and think that you can’t overcome it; you really can conquer! You’ve got this!

Life is fun

Learn to put the crappy things aside once in a while and enjoy what life has to offer. There’s a lot of bad things in the world, but an equal amount of good as well! Focus on that! Order a gigantic pizza and eat it all if that’s your kind of thing! Kick off your pants and dance your butt off! It doesn’t have to be anything big. That one little thing can do wonders to lift your spirits!

Well, I hope you enjoyed this series as much as I have! I may not be around on Saturdays until the next series I cook up, but you can still catch me on Sundays and Wednesdays for all my trivia!

I’m off to play with my friends! I’ll chat to you tomorrow! Thanks for popping in๐Ÿ˜˜