Activities, Interests, Love & War, Ramblings, Soul Stuff

Imposter

One day, they’ll call your bluff. They’ll realise you’re not as amazing as you show yourself to be and they’ll fire you, they’ll unfriend you, they’ll leave you.

This is the fear I walk around with every day of my life. Sometimes I think I’m a fraud and I’m the only one who knows it. I’ve covered it up with my smile and my eloquence but they’ll find out the truth one of these days. It’s called imposter’s syndrome: self doubt playing in a loop in your head asking you what right you think you could ever have to be good enough.

So how do you deal with Imposter’s Syndrome, because it is a reality that many of us live with every day. It has helped me to put a name to the thoughts and feelings and not to disregard them, but face them and cope with them. Here are 3 ways I have started.

Trust yourself

In the moments I feel like a fraud, my first instinct is to tell someone what I am trying to do so that that they can affirm that I am in fact innovative and amazing. It’s like I don’t trust myself as a first opinion so I go looking for a second opinion and a third and fourth. Funny enough, I never feel better for long after those consultations. If anything, I find myself needing more of it. So, in the past few days, I’ve stopped. I don’t always get it right, but when that need to ask someone else to affirm me and assure me that I’m doing the right thing, I don’t. I choose, instead to trust what I think is best and put that forward first.

No, you’re not gonna “bounce” this idea off of someone else. You know what you’re doing!

Give yourself credit

Look, there’s nothing wrong with a little outside affirmation sometimes, but it becomes problematic when you need it all the time. It has really taken the edge off for me to give myself some credit in those moments of weakness; to call myself capable and to keep working at it even though I’m a little scared of the outcome.

Don’t overthink it

My mind is a dark dodgy alley I should never walk down on my own. If I allow myself, I will talk myself into a complete panic. I will get lost in the details and wonder why I came up with such a silly idea to start with. I know my tell tell signs of overthinking are and I try to walk away from that dark alley from the get go.

So there you have it! I hope you know that you are not a fraud! You deserve the happiness you have and even the happiness you are hoping for. You belong at that job and no one is going to call your bluff, so keep your head up!

Have an awesome week, dear reader! Until Sunday😘

Activities, am writing, Interests, Lifestyle, Soul Stuff

3 Things I learned from the lockdown

When lockdown was announced, I panicked a little bit. I wasn’t really scared about the virus itself, because it wasn’t really real yet to me. I don’t think it’s real to anyone really, unless you are in the frontlines, are susceptible to the virus or someone close to you has been infected by the virus. What I was really scared about was being alone. I’ve been living alone for many years but I’ve never been confined to my cottage for long periods of time. Over the years, I’ve even developed what I now recognise as ways to avoid being alone when the loneliness starts to creeps in, none of which I can use during lockdown. So essentially, I’ve been stuck with myself. I’ve learned some very valuable lessons in the last 24 days and I’m here to share em!I don’t need a lotBe it food or company, I actually realised over the past 3 weeks that I don’t need as much as I thought I did. Hell, I’ve managed to work out 6 days a week without any equipment! I haven’t really felt any anxiety about being confined to my home, unless I read some speculative news about what may or may not lie ahead for our country and our world. I haven’t woken up dreading the day ahead nor have I really had hours and hours with nothing to do. I have truly enjoyed this time, and while I look forward to seeing many of my favourite people in the flesh when this is all over, I’m grateful for the time I had to spend with myself! https://twitter.com/Nolo_yiso/status/1228927805116813313?s=19Mindset is everythingI’m definitely a wallower if I indulge myself and I can roll around in it for an indefinite amount of time too. But a mindset adjustment was very necessary during this time. Initially, 21 days were announced and I was grateful that a great deal of that time would be spent working, but then the dreaded extension came along and again, an attitude adjustment was necessary. I think the big thing to remember in this regard is serenity: control what you can and leave the rest to the powers that be. That’s it. Whether the lockdown continues for many more weeks or months, it’s out of my control. What I can control is what I do with this time because, believe it or not, it is a blessing of sorts.I am enoughMy mom used to say this a lot: if you don’t enjoy your own company, how do you expect others to? I always thought I was ok to be alone but I discovered early this year that I can’t do it for extended periods of time. I even found myself putting big adventures off because, what would the point be if I was doing them alone? Well, Lockdown has had me doing life alone – on steroids!I must admit, it felt like the walls were closing in on me at first, but the majority of the time, I’ve enjoyed time spent on my own, be it training or cooking, cleaning or writing, sleeping or just lazing around. I have not grown tired of my own company. My yearning to be with other people now has not been in order to get away from myself, and for that realisation, I am so grateful!Look, don’t get it twisted. There are days when I want to throw my toys out the cot because I just want to go out and I wish so badly that things were normal! And some days, I just think there’s nothing to learn from all of this and this just sucks! But that’s ok. Those feelings come and they pass like a wave.So here’s to, hopefully, 10 more days in lockdown! May it be fruitful. May it open your eyes to the wonder that is your life and the wonder that is you! Be safe, everyone! We’ll see each other soon😘

Activities, Interests, Lifestyle, Series, Uncategorized

The Ultimate Blog Swap: A Little Inspiration from Sehli_Chaotic

In times of social media and the toxic environment created around it, it has become tougher to keep a level head; so many people have now lost themselves in keeping up appearances and trying too hard to compare themselves to everybody else. We forget that we are different individuals pursuing different paths. I worry about how easy it has become to fall for facades in social media networks leading to people putting unnecessary pressure on themselves.

I worry about young girls duped into thinking they have to expose themselves and alter their image to achieve a certain level of success, yet no one tells them that they can achieve anything without resorting to extreme measures. Everybody jumps at the slightest opportunity to post themselves leading a lavish lifestyle, in designer clothes and eating the most expensive dishes but what is the use in convincing people that you are whole on the outside when internally, you are incomplete. Some fail to understand the façade involved which is where the endless chain of insecurities is invoked especially from the average user because not only do they aspire to be like what they see but they also put unnecessary pressure on themselves. They forget that life does not afford everyone the same opportunities and that there is no age limit to success.

There is no timeline for any personal achievements! It is in moments like these that I am reminded of the phrase, “Don’t be too hard on yourself, nobody posts their failures”. You need to learn to not take things at face value; you don’t know the corridors what the person had to go through to get to that picture perfect point. If they worked hard to achieve the lifestyle they now have then good for them, it is something we can all admire and aspire to. However that does not mean take shortcuts because you might miss a necessary journey that would have carried you through to where you are supposed to be. Learn to live at your own pace. So, you have big dreams and desire to achieve them all, it is all okay because what matters is that you are doing something to achieve those dreams. Do not let some stranger on Instagram act as a success barometer in your life. Protecting yourself from such unproductive energy takes huge confidence and requires a strong self-esteem so do not be ashamed to work on yourself; read self-help books, get a makeover, whatever you feel is necessary to give you confidence to face the world and make your dreams come true. It is your life, live it by your own rules.

I hope you find the strength to stay true to yourself and may your every dream come true.

©Sehli_Chaotic

A Zimblog awards nominee, development practitioner passionate about life, the empowerment of women and mental illness awareness. She finds purpose and comfort in putting her thoughts into words. She is realistic and hopeful.

Activities, Gym Life, Interests, Lifestyle, my adventures, Teacher Problems

Life in the Wake of COVID-19

South Africa’s president announced a state of disaster in light of the then 61 reported cases of COVID -19. He announced the closing of schools and limiting most workplaces to working from home and limiting movements elsewhere. This past Monday he escelated it to a lockdown of the country. We cannot leave our houses unless it is an emergency. Only supermarkets are open for emergency food runs as of tomorrow. We have seen the number of cases rise to over 500 more cases since over initial announcement and life has changed drastically – in exciting ways but also in ways that are scary.

Social Distancing

Work

My particular school has remained “open” for the next 2 weeks in order to finish off the term. Dem Boys were sent home and we have been running online classes for the past week. the up side to the virus is that it has put education in a position where the use of technology in classes is now a necessity and not just another fun option. All those conferences are starting to pay off as I put what I have learned to practice all day, every day. It sounds ideal to be able to work from home, especially when that alarm goes off in the morning and the thought of navigating heavy traffic looms, but I take my hat off to those who have been living this life for a long time!

My cottage is now my home, my gym and my work space and all of a sudden, it feels tiny! I should be grateful though. Just last year, I live in a 1 bedroom that was much smaller. I would’ve gone crazy if I was still there! But now, my home is a little more spacious and I can compartmentalise my life here.

A tip? Even though you will not be leaving the house during the day, get out of bed, shower and get into your normal morning routine. Make the bed, pick an outfit and have your breakfast before your work hours start. It has helped me to get into work mode. Also, designate an area of your abode to work and play. I only run my classes in my study and leave it when my classes are done for the day.

Play

I’ve started doing home workouts instead of going to the gym and while HIIT workouts are kicking my ass, I’m still physically active without the anxiety of possibly infecting those around me or being infected myself. Again, routine is key, even though the geography has changed quite a bit.

I am a social butterfly so the lack of human interaction has been very difficult, especially because I live alone. Fortunately, I have a small village of people in other areas of the building. Tiny feet patter above me with occasional giggles or the frustrated tantrums of a toddler with cabin fever. Wifi and all kinds of social media, keeps me in contact with my loved ones which takes the edge off my own cabin fever. I attended my first online church service on Sunday which was strange, but it still amazes me that we can still keep in touch with our various communities in this manner. I am not alone because many all over the world are having to adjust their lives the same way I have to.

https://www.covidvisualizer.com

We have no way of knowing how much worse this situation will get, but I believe we are now responsible to each other. Our lives are in each others’ hands if we are to overcome COVID 19. So do the right thing, for yourself and for the rest of the world. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if we do. Have a good week dear ones and by all means, please stay safe😘

Interests, Lifestyle, Love & War, Soul Stuff

Growth

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the water wherever You would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith will be made stronger...

This time last year, I couldn’t find the voice to sing these words. They would literally get stuck in my throat.

It isn’t God I don’t trust in all situations, it’s me. Trying to survive a storm gets messy. I rage against the world, the people around me, God. I’m less patient than normal and I’m certainly not grateful that this is for my ultimate good. If I had it my way, I would avoid the storms, to be honest, and I wish God would cut me some slack. It’s not pretty and I sit in the shame of that fact the entire time. But, whether we are willing to go through it to get through it or not, the storms still come, we stumble through the mess land the other side, sometimes in shambles.

The good news is that the thorn was eventually removed and I’m experiencing some relief. Life isn’t necessarily what I’d like it to be now, but I must say that I am stronger now because of the storm. This morning, this song came up on the projector and I belted it out! I felt no dread or resentment for what may or not lie ahead or what I had been through already. Yes, the storms seem unbearable at the time, but it feels good to be on the other side of it, still intact and better. And that is the beautiful ebb and flow of life: no matter how bad things get, it will pass and you will get to the other side; you will survive. I hope you remember that no matter what is going on in your life. Hang in there!

Thank you so much for popping in! Its always a pleasure to have you here! Have a beautiful week ahead, erbody!

Interests, Lifestyle, Series, Soul Stuff

Anonymous: A Different Lens on Toxic Friendships

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I know people are probably tired of hearing about how some friendships can be toxic but really, toxic friendships are a thing but so are the enablers…

For years I have been stifled by the toxicity of most of my friendships; I’ve had the friends who demand gifts but don’t even remember your special days, the ones who are always in need but never reach out to help you when the signs are crystal clear that you could do with a friend, the ones who elevate their importance in your life and you have to maintain that level of importance and my favorite; the ones who plan everything around you being there for them but never show up for you…

I have also been strangled by the painful realisation that I am an enabler, a bitter pill to swallow but very necessary. One day, I painfully realised that I either attract toxic friendships or I breed them and with me being the only constant in all these situations, it only made sense that I was the breeder.

I have very poor boundaries, very high expectations of myself in friendships and often don’t take the time to stop and address issues in my friendships that upset me. This is mainly because I’ve set such a high precedent that when I do address them, people cannot relate because I’ve shown up in a particular way for the longest time!

I have allowed my friends to use me in efforts to prove my loyalty to them but not once have I expected the same of them. Actually, I have always assumed they’d do the same and each time they didn’t, bitterness and resentment grew turning me into someone toxic to them which makes me wonder: were they even toxic to begin with?

Activities, Interests, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Teacher Problems

Invigilation

I don’t know if it’s the hours spent walking aimlessly around a room full of stressed students or if it’s the year drawing to an end, but this is my life right now! It seems like there is plenty of time but time is such a tricky thing.

While I pace up and down the isles, I think about all that lies ahead; in the next few hours, the next few weeks, the next few months.

Have you accomplished everything you strived to this year? Does it feel like it’s enough? It never really does, if you ask me. But being content is key. The balance between knowing that there is still time to make changes, to make a U-turn and try a different route. There is still time for new adventures and new challenges. But also knowing that tomorrow is not promised and one must make the best of what is here and now.

Invigilation is the overthinker’s playground; it is my playground.

am writing, Love & War, Ramblings

Control

Hey everyone! It’s good to have you back😊 I had a bit of drama yesterday but I’m begining to bounce back a little bit, I’ll tell you all about it in a minute!

I finally finished this gem in the wee hours of this morning! If you haven’t yet, you should really get your hands on this beauty! I’m definitely planning to read it again!

Back to my drama! The past few weeks have been very very strange. I haven’t been sleeping very well. I go to bed at a decent hour and without the disturbing noise of the TV. But without fail, every morning, around 4am, I’m up. Wide awake. I’ve finally resorted to reading and catching up on marking until I fall back asleep. On other nights, I spend the time in prayer and meditation; there is so much to pray about, guys!

I’ve also been putting my body through a lot of strain in the gym. My shins have been hurting and so have my knees from all the extra work I’ve been putting in. Everyone around me has been telling me to take it easy, rest and pick it back up – I haven’t listened and yesterday, I caught a stomach bug! Well, it wasn’t that bad, but my plan to go for a run in the morning and gym later on in the day as well as put in some marking in between was shot to hell! My body caved and demanded the rest I was refusing it.

Even as I proofread this, I feel mildy overwhelmed! I try to do too much and I’m not sure what I’m trying to prove, but my lesson here is very clear: I need to give up control: over my body, my work, the people in my life, everything! I started this year with the intention to enjoy my life the way it is and it’s time to go with the flow, listen to my body and my mind and just relax a little bit.

So share with me! What is your life demanding of you right now? I hope you are listening closely! It’s always a pleasure to have you here. Don’t worry, Sunday will be here before you know it 😘